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Tiger Woods' first day of kindergarten

September 1981

Why would a man whose net worth is approaching a billion dollars invent a bogus hate crime against himself? I don't know why, but clearly he did. It's a mystery wrapped in enigma tied with ribbons of conundrum.

Add this strange story to his chain of silly and astonishing extra-marital affairs, and you're left wondering if Tiger Woods is sane.

To be fair, this is a he-said/she-said situation, Tiger Woods versus his kindergarten teacher, but the logic and the sense and the fragrance of truth are all over the teacher's version, while the absurdity and silliness and stench of lie are all over Tiger's version.

Here's the story which Tiger told to Charles Barkley for Barkley's 2005 book Who's Afraid of a Large Black Man? and which he later repeated in an interview with Barbara Walters:
"I became aware of my racial identity on my first day of school, on my first day of kindergarten. A group of sixth graders tied me to a tree, spray-painted the word ‘nigger’ on me, and threw rocks at me. That was my first day of school. And the teacher really didn’t do much of anything. I used to live across the street from school and kind of down the way a little bit. The teacher said, ‘Okay, just go home.’ So I had to outrun all these kids going home, which I was able to do."
According to the kindergarten teacher and the principal at Cerritos Elementary School in Anaheim where this supposedly happened and a parent who was always around at the time, the kindergartners are sequestered from the other kids outside, so this could not happen.

That seems believable to me, because I've never seen an elementary school yet that didn't sequester kindergartners from the older kids during recess.

In addition to wanting us to believe that a pack of sixth-graders broke through the barriers and got to the kindergartners, Tiger wants us to believe that they came to school armed with supplies of rope and spray-paint without raising any suspicion. Then he wants us to believe that his teacher and other adults present that day were not alarmed or overly-concerned when a brand new kindergartner was tied to a tree, had the word "nigger" spray-painted on him, and was pelted with rocks.

Cripes, it's a wonder he even lived through this, ya know? Stoning is how they execute people in some countries.

And oh yeah, if our credulity isn't strained enough, the little wounded kindergartner, sent off to fend for himself by his Nazi-like, heartless, sociopathic teacher, managed to outrun a pack of wild sixth-graders chasing him down the street. Next time you visit an elementary school, look at the kindergartners and then look at the sixth graders and then make your own judgement about the likelihood of that.

Tell you what: this story is so stupid it makes you question the intelligence of Tiger Woods for thinking anybody would believe it, and the intelligence of Charles Barkley for including it in his book, and the intelligence of Barbara Walters for not calling Tiger out and challenging him when he repeated it.


4/2/10 - New York Post - Kindergarten teacher: Woods lied about school race incident

4/2/10 - RadarOnline - Tiger Woods Kindergarten Teacher Says He's Lying About Racial Incident

4/2/10 - New York Daily News - Tiger Woods' kindergarten teacher Maureen Decker says golfer made up childhood racial attack story

4/4/10 - RightFielders Women in Sports - Maureen Decker: Tiger Woods’ Kindergarten Teacher (Video)

Posted from Reno, Nevada, USA

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